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Overcome Self Pity in 4 Steps

Updated: Mar 5, 2021

Moving beyond Self Pity.

Self Pity is a low psychological state caused by focusing intently on the toxic past or present and seeking correction from others rather than your own self.

Self pity can be a struggle because it is familiar and feels safe. It however prevents us from moving forward.

We know we are experiencing self pity when we seek apologies as well as acceptance from those who are unable to give it. We can feel stuck, overwhelmed or even depressed.

As we refocus with compassion on letting go of the need for external correction or validation, we can begin to move beyond self pity.

There are times when we do not realise that we are in self pity. When you are dwelling intently on thoughts such as “if only ....... had not happened, things would be different” or “I was in the wrong place at the wrong time”, “....... never cared about me”, you are experiencing self- pity.

If this resonates, I understand how you feel. I know that Self Pity is a natural state we go through as we heal. It is staying stuck in it that is unhelpful.

Self-pity leads to subconscious sabotage, the delayed attainment of our full potential.

I invite you to try out these four steps to overcome self pity:

1. Notice your thoughts & feelings. Using simple transformational tools such as meditation, quiet time, journaling, drawing, painting, writing etc. an activity that helps you slow down to notice your own thoughts and feelings a bit more. This puts you in a better place to take responsibility for them.

2. Move beyond waiting for the apology. the apology and acceptance that we seek from those involved in the traumatic experience is beyond our control. The absence of the apology can feel like a huge loss and you may need to go through the grief. This takes time and it helps if you forgive others as well as your own self for the toxic event. Try out the forgiveness exercise in my Next Level Toolkit, which you can access from my website.

3. Stop dwelling on what might have been There are times when we struggle to make the best of the present because our attention is stiIl in the past, especially the toxic past. You can begin to follow your natural interests in the present moment, to write down your goals, hold positive affirmations, believing that things can change for the better. The belief that things can change for the better gives you permission to let go of the limiting past.

4. Practice unconditional self acceptance. We often find it easier holding perceptions of our strengths rather than our flaws. This is natural, especially if we have experienced persistent negative conditioning from childhood. If we have experienced trauma whereby there was little defence or protection, we are more likely to be defensive of our flaws now. However, it is helpful to give yourSelf the love and acceptance that your inner child still needs and will always need. Taking small steps in self care, writing daily gratitude lists are examples of self cars that go a long way in building your unconditional self acceptance.

If this resonates, I invite you to practice the 4 steps which create massive shifts in self worth and confidence and amplify the process of moving beyond self pity.


I am a Clarity and Emotional Freedom Coach. I empower you to cultivate emotional mastery. learn more about my Courses and programs here

Take the steps you need for your even more fulfilling life.

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