Updated: Jan 15
Do you sometimes find yourself wondering in your relationships, why someone is in your life, in your space, even though you find their company contrasting rather than pleasurable?
Do you sometimes wonder why you still reach out to them in spite of you having decided to not do so?
Do you sometimes want to stop yourself connecting with certain persons but feel that you cannot?
Do you sometimes find yourself not taking the steps you know will set you free from a contrasting experience whether it is work or personal?
Well, It is ok to allow these experiences because they are helping you build clarity around what you want and who you are.
You are building up your resilience and the contrast within these experiences is strengthening your capacity to stand up for yourself.
We all have different thresholds which we build over time from conditioning. Sometimes our thresholds for pain and contrasts have been raised because of trauma in childhood. We find ourselves able to tolerate more pain because we have been through a lot of it. The habit of going through a contrasting experience again and again and yet remain standing was a survival mechanism. We have learnt fortitude and probably find this a good coping mechanism over time.
It only becomes maladaptive when we find that we know something is not serving our highest good, but we are struggling to let it go. This can play out over periods of time, in many scenarios at work and in our personal lives.
The good news is that there are a number of ways to begin letting go:
✅ Be aware that you are building up resistance to change. It may appear as if nothing is happening but you are learning. You just have a higher threshold for contrast and in time your threshold will come down and balance out.
✅ Plan in advance something you would do instead when you feel the compulsion to reach out to them, to return, to stay. It might be that on several occasions, you do not do this alternative plan, but one day it will be easier. The plan may be to go for a walk and leave your phone at home. It may be to call someone else. It could be anything that you enjoy. It may also be to get expert help or advice. You will one day turn to this alternative activity, instead of reaching out to this person you know is no longer serving you. Slowly, you will build up your plan for alternatives and act on them, to meet your need for change.
✅ Appreciate the role the contrasting experience is playing in your life, in helping you balance out your threshold. The experience allows your growth, painful though it might be. We can learn from our pain or pleasure. The persons who bring contrasting experiences our way help us build resistance and resilience as we evolve.
✅ Take time to show love to yourself. Be compassionate and kind to yourself even as you see the self sabotage. Your unconditional self love and acceptance is the one thing that will pull you through this. As your relationship with your own self becomes your priority, you begin to reflect more on what is good for you. This process strengthens you at a deeper level. You begin to set and maintain your boundaries more. It becomes easier to put your needs first. From this place your relationships with others change. You find yourself appreciated by others more as you appreciate yourself. Your interactions become more fulfilling and loving.
✅ Be willing. Stay willing to let go of what no longer serves you. This becomes easier as you become your own priority. Your threshold for contrast drops. You simply want less of it and it comes second to your self care and inner peace. As the contrasting experience comes to its end, be willing to let it go. The time has passed and you can move on. You will be ok. You have learnt what you needed to learn. The knowledge you need is already stored within you. Trust this. The job is done.
✅ Forgive and close the chapter. I often find that forgiving someone or persons has to come first before we can close that chapter of our life. Allow yourself to forgive all those who have been part of the contrasting experience, including yourself. This helps to embed an imprint of closure. It helps to detach from this experience and move on.
Letting go is about dissolving the hold of the ego. This happens over time in layers, with you dissolving a particular ego pattern after another. So as you experience the repeated pattern that is not serving you, trust that you are working on your reducing your pain threshold and building up resilience. Plan out in advance an alternative to that ego pattern, that serves you better. You will try it out this alternative soon enough as you practice your own self acceptance. It is easier to let go from a place of love rather than fear. We are more willing to let go as self acceptance increases. Forgiveness helps to shift the fear of making the same mistakes, so it is helpful to forgive yourself and others quickly. The fact that you are reading this shows that you are in the process of letting go already. Keep going.
Relationships play a huge role in our recovery, growth and expansion. The more we build our own relationship with our self, with compassion, the more we connect with our inner core which impacts our relationships with others.
We heal faster and find it easier to let go of what no longer serves us as we become only interested in our highest good and the good of those we care about.
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