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Dealing with Anger

Updated: 3 days ago

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. It is an emotion that carries a meaning. Many a times we are told not to be angry and that it is not appropriate to show anger. In actual fact, if anger is not expressed, it builds up and becomes rage, which often leads to destructive behaviour.


Over the years, working with clients, I have come to perceive anger on a spectrum of energy vibration, with Healthy anger being in the middle/neutral point of that spectrum.

Suppressed/Repressed anger is at the least volatile end of the anger energy spectrum whilst Rage is at the most volatile end.

At the least volatile end of the anger spectrum, are many of us who have repressed or suppressed our anger for so long that it is no longer healthy.

Repressed anger is deeply subconscious with no memories of the traumatic experience that led to the imprint, whilst Suppressed anger involves memories of trauma that are being consciously held down. Many of us suppress our anger, in that we avoid anger at all costs. We deny the feeling as it arises within us.

Suppression or Repression of anger creates emotional, psychological and physical illness, such as depression, which cause huge disruptions and blocks in day to day life. We feel stuck, held back in key areas of our lives. Avoiding the expression of our anger, not feeling and resolving it in a healthy way, keeps us stuck in other aspects in our lives.

Healthy anger expression is in the middle of the anger spectrum. As we take actions in understanding and letting go of the underlying imprints, reasons behind the anger, we experience improved physical, emotional and mental health.

Swinging furthest to the right of the spectrum are many of us who experience extreme anger or Rage, which really can be overwhelming. Here, we may almost feel unable to control and afraid to express anger.

Rage leads to imminent emotional outbursts, explosion or eruption at the slightest opportunity, anywhere, at any time. It can be close to impossible to try to control rage as it is being expressed. Our reaction is out of place and over the top. Again there are emotional, psychological and physical dis-ease experienced.

If this resonates with you and you are here now, it is time for an intervention. It is time to decide to do something about expressing anger in a more healthy way, to understand and develop better coping mechanisms.


The first thing to note is that very few of us have actually been taught a healthy way to feel or express anger. So we must allow ourselves to open up to unlearning and learning, to have new skills around this.

1) Becoming more aware of the rising anger sensations within.

Anger is not necessarily a bad thing. Feeling angry is ok. It is what we do with the anger that matters. It is ok, just to feel anger. To actually just sense the tension, the heat rising through your cells, back, chest, stomach, head, to feel your breath pause or quicken, gritting of your teeth etc. It is ok to just feel the sensations growing within you as a memory is triggered by something you have seen or heard. These sensations are different for each of us, but we can learn to reflect and remember how we felt as the anger was triggered. Learn to sense this initial burst within your own self And then pause.

At the point of trigger, we can feel powerless in our ability or capacity to handle whatever is emerging or showing up and fear may creep in. This belief that we are powerless may exist despite many examples of times we know we have shown courage or achieved success in several areas in our lives. We are far from powerless in fact. We only need to remind ourselves, to acquire the skills of what we need to do, in order to go beyond our limitations. Take courage and push through the fear that arises as you begin to sense anger arising within. Let go of the fear that says you cannot relate to the sensations within or that you are powerless.

When we have a belief that anger itself is dangerous and that someone will always get badly hurt, we do not allow ourselves to relate with our own anger as it initially shows up within us. We also do not master our self as it is possible in this aspect.

At first, sensing the anger arising feels strange and unfamiliar. It can actually be overwhelming to go beyond this first stage. Persevere however in coming to know these sensations.

Energy Healing is powerful in dissolvIng painful body cellular blocks. Finding the tools and strategies, such as meditation, prayer etc, that help us regulate the emotional and bodily sensations that arise within us is key.

2) Take time to reflect on the possible reasons for the anger.

The anger is a good indication that something is going on that is not in agreement with you at some level, in some way. It is helpful to find out what the reasons are and to address them a healthy way. You can learn to do this using tools such as reflection, talking, journaling, inner inquiry etc. The reason(s) will become clearer as you practice.

If at first we cannot fathom any reasons for why we feel angry, it is a sign that we need to pause and take time away. You could take some deep breaths, turn away, or walk away. When we are unable to think about why the anger sensations are coming up within us, if the reasons are not there, not clear, it is helpful to pause for a bit longer.

Having a better understading of the reasons behind the anger is fundamental to moving forward in a healthy way.

Examples of reasons that may come up, could be that some injustice or mistreatment is occurring or re occurring. This is what we then explore and express.

3) Focus on expressing the reason(s) for the anger not the anger itself.

Many of us, as children, did not experience a time when someone said to us “you did so and so and it made me angry, I did not expect it of you. I would like to discuss this with you, so we can move forward”. This is a healthy way to express anger.

It takes practice to express our anger in a healthy way, but trying it out is the first place to start and it gets easier. The words may start out loud but as we let go of the fear of powerlessness, we choose different words and tones.

With the other, discussion can be done face to face, on telephone, WhatsApp, in a letter, text messages etc.

For our own self, we can express our anger through art, music, drama, humour, dance etc. We can continue to fine tune our own creative Self expression.

We can learn to feel angry and express the reasons, not the anger. We can focus on letting go, rather than wanting to be right. We can focus on the reasons for the anger and discuss these reasons, letting the other person know how we feel, how we felt.

For example, we can say “when you came late, I felt it was unfair”. “I felt rejected, when you did not return my calls”. “I felt dismissed when my work efforts went unnoticed”. “I prefer it if you spoke to me this way”.

Sometimes we cannot discuss our reasons with the other person, especially if they are in a position of authourity or no longer accessible to us. In these instances, we can write a letter with our reasons to them and then destroy the letter or note. The point is that our reasons need to be let out, communicated, even if only to our own self.

This reduces the possibility of the experience becoming embedded in our subconscious and limiting us in business or relationships. Freedom comes when we let go.

As we communicate our anger with the other person, the issue of an apology may come up. An apology from the person we are angry with does acknowledge the injustice and mistreatment. In most cases, they will apologise, especially if they listen, hear the impact on us and if they care.

There are also times however, when we communicate and do not get an apology. The person who carried out the injustice or mistreatment may not apologise or may not see or agree with our point of view. They may really hold a different perspective and In some cases, they may be unwilling to be persuaded otherwise.

In this instance, it is helpful to self soothe our own self, or with a trusted other. To acknowledge the reasons that have surfaced and to forgive. Self soothe is about expressing the anger as mentioned above and showing loving compassion to our own self.

Behaviour always has causal factors. Realising the Other person’s causal factors, for instance their poor mental health or disempowering conditioning, can help us see that their behaviour is/was not about us and that instead it was entirely about their own way of perceiving the world or the way they know best. Forgiveness is important.

If we do not have an apology or any idea of the causal factors of past traumatic experiences, it is important to try not to invalidate our own feelings. It is helpful to know that their apology or agreement is not essential to us expressing anger in a healthy way and to letting go. Our relationship with our own self is our most important relationship. We often feel some relief when we truly forgive our own self, for the trauma, as illogical as it might sound.

4) Letting go of fear and building self worth go hand in hand with healthy expression of anger.

Our self worth is affected by the memories we hold, whether positive or negative. Our negative contrasting memories are of valid traumatic experiences we have had, even if our memories are fleeting or blurry. They disconnect us from our true self worth.

In order to recover and reconnect to our true worth, we now need to push through the fear, embedded in the memories and move forward. This may be through programs, recovery or modalities that work for us. My self worth course is a self study course specifically designed to support a deeper alignment with true self.

It is our self worth that allows us to pause when triggered, as opposed to erupting. It is our self worth that compels us to explore the reasons and to sustain our healthy expression of anger In the long term.

You might need to explore these steps safely with a trauma informed professional. It helps to have a safe place to go, through the process.

If this resonates, if you feel rage or suppressed/repressed anger within you and it is creating resistance in aspects of your life, there may be a desire building up within you to begin learning healthy ways to deal with anger.

In my programs, I support you to find and release the limits, beliefs, barriers, resistance within to your next level, using my SMITT Emotional Mastery system.


Send me a message if this resonates and you would like to work with me as your Coach. You can learn more about me here:

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